Is Blue Nights Being Slept On?
If you haven’t read my review of The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion yet, I recommend that you do before reading this. I read The Year of Magical Thinking in the span of one day and was touched by the story of Didion’s daughter, Quintana, woven throughout. At the end of the book, Quintana had been discharged from the hospital after both recovering from septic shock (caused from complications of a flu that turned into pneumonia) and a brain bleed. It was only in my research after finishing this book that I learned that Quintana, unfortunately, died of acute pancreatitis only 20 months after the death of her father and just 2 months before The Year of Magical Thinking was published.
I read (or rather listened, since again it was only available as an audiobook on my library app at the moment) Blue Nights the following day. Coming immediately off The Year of Magical Thinking, I felt like I knew what to expect from this book. I anticipated a certain style, tone, and even feel. I will say those expectations were not met.
About the Book
Unlike the quick timeline between the death of her husband and Didion’s memoir The Year of Magical Thinking reflecting on the events, Blue Nights was written about six years after the fact. Although The Year of Magical Thinking dealt with death and grief in a way unlike many other books and memoirs on the topic, the thread was still prominent throughout. Blue Nights, on the other hand, seemed to be more of a story of regret and uncertainty associated with aging and parenthood rather than loss. Now, this is not to say that the loss of her daughter did not rightfully bring up these questions, worries, concerns, and contemplations. It just felt like Blue Nights wasn’t much a story centered around Quintana, her death, or Didion’s experience of that death, as I had anticipated.
Didion recounts various moments from Quintana’s life cut short. She pays particular attention to moments of difficulty or challenge. Quintana was adopted by Joan and John as an infant. A recurrent theme in Blue Nights was Quintana making sense of this and grappling with the “what ifs” that surround the “choice” narrative about her adoption given to her by her parents. She questioned with an underlying fear of abandonment and anxiety. Didion details Quintana’s struggles with mental illness as a young adult. She discusses Quintana’s childhood where she tried the best she could to act as a “convincing adult.”
At the same time, she details her own aging and sickness. She discusses her frailty and waning abilities. She discusses her own fear in this time and the challenges she faces with having to realize and accept this (being old and not as capable both mentally and physically) as her new reality.
My Review
In all of this, Didion wonders if she was a good mother, what she could have done better and where she may have gone wrong. Ultimately, she questions if she could have been at fault for the challenges in Quintana’s life. She wonders if she is to blame for her death. With some bluntness, Blue Nights did not read as the emotionally-wrought musings of a mother continuing to make sense of the life of her daughter and come to terms with her death. It read more as someone looking for reassurance on her choices, abilities as a mother, and worthiness as a person.
To me, learning about Quintana’s struggles with mental illness growing up and her challenges navigating life and finding identity as an adoptee seemed voyeuristic. It felt like opening and reading someone’s private diary without them knowing. It didn’t feel like Didion’s story to share, mostly because it didn’t feel relevant to the rest of the book. They fit into the narrative as justification by Didion that Quintana did not have a “privileged” childhood, despite being wedged between stories of staying at fancy hotels, wearing designer clothes, and name-dropping galore.
My other critique with Blue Nights, unfortunately, has to do with the writing itself. This could be partly due to reading this immediately after The Year of Magical Thinking, but the two do not compare. Throughout Blue Nights, Didion details her emotions related to her inability to write with the same ease and flow that she had previously. In reading the two works back-to-back, sadly it is evident. There is frequent repetition used throughout, which in the beginning was powerful. But by the end, it made it challenging to maintain my attention. There were also entire sections and stories that seemed to be copied almost word-for-word from The Year of Magical Thinking into Blue Nights. This made the whole book feel off for me. It felt recycled and like writing it was an obligation that Didion had to fill, rather than a dedication for her daughter or a story she truly wished to convey to readers.
I’m not sure what my opinion would be on Blue Nights if I had not read The Year of Magical Thinking first and so soon before. Or if I read the two in the opposite order. I wonder if my thoughts would be different and if I would have a different perspective on this book.
Overall, I would recommend passing on Blue Nights and opting for The Year of Magical Thinking if you are looking for a piece of grief literature from Joan Didion.
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