One Month to Go!
- Molly Gleydura
- Jul 5, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 17, 2023
Reflections A Month Before It All Begins
As of the time that I am writing this post, I am less than a month away from my departure from the US and my arrival in New Zealand to begin my Watson Fellowship!
If I am being honest, I never thought that I’d get to this point. When I began to develop my project idea and reach out to potential contacts in the countries that I wanted to visit and faced some very minor hurdles, I figured that everyone else but me knew what they were doing and they were making much more progress on developing plans far better than I was at that stage. But, I kept going, mostly because despite not receiving responses to many of the cold emails I sent, I still received a lot of replies and many people were willing to talk to me about my ideas. My motivation always outweighed my doubts. Once I submitted a “pre-application” to the Oberlin Fellowships Office to signify my interest, I partially thought I would be laughed out of the process and/or dissuaded from pursuing the project I proposed. To my surprise, that didn’t occur and I was given the go-ahead to compile the necessary application materials to submit for the Oberlin internal competition to decide who’d be nominated on behalf of the college for consideration for the national Watson Fellowship. I kept working and researching. I sent emails and set up Zoom calls. I read books and articles, took classes and courses on the subject, and spoke to anyone and everyone who might know something about grief and mourning or the countries I wanted to travel to during my Watson year. When I got the email that I was one of the 8-10 students at Oberlin selected to move forward to interview after a committee read all of the submitted applications, I was ecstatic! But, that feeling was fleeting and was quickly replaced with self-
doubt, nerves, and feelings of self-sabotage. I prepared for the interview and trusted that I knew my project better than anyone else. And, yet, I was all the while telling myself that I had a good run and it was an accomplishment in and of itself to make it to the Oberlin interview stage. Then, I interviewed. And, it went better than I could have hoped! A day later, I learned that I was chosen to be one of Oberlin's four Watson Fellow nominees. I refined my proposals and plans and submitted my application.
On December 17th, I had my official Watson interview with a former fellow. Despite the interview going well, I overanalyzed every moment. As I recounted it to friends and family, I explained that I felt at peace knowing I likely wouldn’t get the fellowship and provided reasons for “why I didn’t really want it anyway,” as a way to cushion myself from the eventual disappointment I foresaw. From that point on, I limited who I shared the prospects with and put the Watson year mostly out of my mind. I only rarely allowed myself to think about how amazing it would be to learn that I was chosen.
When March 15th came around, my dad texted me, “Check the Watson site!” I was at my child life practicum playing with Playdoh with a pediatric cancer patient at Connecticut Children’s Hospital at the time. I didn’t see the text, or the announcement, until about 45 minutes later. So… my entire family knew that I was chosen as a Watson Fellow before I did! They celebrated while the nerves sank in for me.
Between then and now, I have shared the news, made more plans for the year, bought necessary equipment, booked a flight, begun to pack my bags, and check off tasks on a seemingly never-ending list of to-dos to make sure I have prepared and prepped and figured out every logistical detail I can possibly think of before my departure. (I know full well that this is an impossible task, but the planner in me needs something to do this summer and this is where my energy has been directed…) Despite all of this, I think that only now is what I am about to do, beginning to set it. Only now am I actually realizing that I really will be leaving the US for a year to learn, grow, and explore how I envisioned (and in ways I can’t imagine). I hadn’t let myself believe that this would ever come to fruition, but the time is almost upon me, and I… am still in shock of it all.
I wish I could say that all I was feeling at the moment was pure excitement for this once-in-a-lifetime experience on which I am about to embark. If I did, though, I would be lying. I am a ball of stress and anticipation. I am definitely excited. And, a bit petrified.
Don’t get me wrong, I could not be more grateful for being awarded this opportunity and to have the ability to engage with this work that I am passionate about in such a meaningful way. But, I also know that there will be a lot of challenges, setbacks, hurdles, and things that I can’t plan for. That unknown is scary right now, if I’m honest. And, without experiencing the adrenaline and fulfillment of being abroad and interacting in-person with the amazing people I have only so far met online, the balance is leaning slightly in favor of stress.
If I think hard about my feelings at the moment, and my experience with the application process in whole, a lot of it boils down to imposter syndrome. I am constantly wondering if at every stage of the process all involved made a mistake saying my name, but couldn’t take it back, so they just went with it. But, I then remind myself that even if it was a mistake, it is too late now! :) And, it probably wasn’t an error… Right?
At the same time, I am insanely eager to get started. I know that I am capable and I am ready to learn. I will make mistakes along the way. I will run into things that I didn’t expect. Plans will continue to change and evolve. I will discover brand new things - about the world and about myself. I will have days when I am ready to explore everything in front of me and days I want to sit inside, read a book, think, and reflect. I will visit many new places, try so many new things, and meet many new people. By the end of my year, I hope to be a pro at navigating airports, changing my iPhone SIM card, and making friends everywhere I go. I hope to have a photo album full of memories and journals with crinkly pages crammed with scrawling writing so I don’t forget a moment of my experience years from now.
I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for me. And, I am interested to come back to this post in a year’s time and reflect on this summer with new eyes. Ones that know what I shouldn’t have bothered stressing about and ones that will laugh at past me for not thinking of super vital, essential, gravely important tasks and to-dos that I overlooked and never even bothered to think about.
Well, I guess I should get back to scrutinizing over my lists, plans, calendars, and spreadsheets. After all, I have less than a month to drive myself mad with all the “what ifs” I can imagine before I get to begin a 365-day adventure of a lifetime.
Check back soon!
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