6 Reviews for Books about Illness, Grief, and Loss
If I had never been given the life-changing opportunity to travel the world and learn as a Watson Fellow, I think that the second-best option to understanding my topic would have been through reading memoirs. Books are portals into others' worlds. Writing is often found to be extremely helpful and therapeutic to individuals working to process and understand monumental -- good or bad -- moments in their lives. So, it comes as no surprise that there is a plethora of memoirs that exist about individuals' experiences with loss, the emotions they experienced, and how they navigated the moments before and after the death, diagnosis, or change. They come from big-name authors and family members who self-publish, from around the globe, with their own stories to tell.
What we can do then is to listen. For their sake and for those who unfortunately might find themselves in the same position as the authors one day. Reading these memoirs is not only a way to help continue to honor the life of the person who died and normalize the experiences of their loved ones in the aftermath, but to learn what those experiences look like and what is helpful and what isn't from those on the outskirts of the situation.
Once More We Saw Stars: A Memoir - Jayson Greene
⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒
One-Sentence Summary: After a brick falls off an eight-story building in Manhattan and kills his two-year-old daughter Greta, Jayson Greene lets readers into the depth of his love for his little girl and how he, his wife, and extended family members navigated anger, fear, community, and hope.
This book is the one that I most recommend on this list. It is terribly heartbreaking. And yet, contains so much love, laughter, light, beauty, and resilience. Jayson Greene does not sugarcoat what happened to Greta and the ripple effects that her death caused, nor does he hide how he coped or try to wrap it up in a neat bow. Through telling his and his family's story, Jayson Greene also teaches us how to be compassionate and a companion.
Quotes:
"I am the reminder of the most unwelcome message in human history: Children—yours, mine—they don’t necessarily live."
"Grief at its peak has a terrible beauty to it, a blinding fission of every emotion. The world is charged with significance, with meaning, and the world around you, normally so solid and implacable, suddenly looks thin, translucent. I feel like I’ve discovered an opening. I don’t know quite what’s behind it yet. But it is there."
"We push the apartment door open and are greeted by silence. Nothing in here knows about Greta’s death—not her red horsey with its empty smile, the toy bin beneath the living room chair, the straps on her purple high chair that she would fiddle with. We bring the news with us into each room, like smallpox."
A Heart That Works - Rob Delaney
⭒⭒⭒⭒
One-Sentence Summary: Rob Delaney shares the story, from birth to death, of his son Henry, who died at the age of two, and his experience with brain cancer, thoughtful care through the NHS, and what comes next for those who loved and lost.
It may be strange to see, but this book was a relatively quick read. At just 196 pages, Rob Delaney is able to portray his child's beautiful life and incomprehensible illness succinctly but in such vivid detail. He weaves together passages of anger, humor, and grace throughout the book. He talks beautifully about regrets and joys and never-ending love.
Quotes:
"After [Henry] died, I had the odd sensation of somehow being older than my parents, or at the very least having seen something that they hadn't, and it had changed me. ...No one had anything to offer me that could light my path and show me a way forward...That was a very sad and lonely feeling."
"In between Henry's birth and his death was, of course, his life. That was my favorite part."
P.S. All proceeds of this book are donated to a children's hospice.
Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of A Life Interrupted -Suleika Jaouad
⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒
One-Sentence Summary: Suleika Jaouad was diagnosed with cancer just as she set out to begin her "adult life" in the "real world"; this book details her journey through diagnosis, treatment, and re-entering life after she was finally able to leave the cancer ward.
This book took me longer to read, but it was well worth it. Suleika Jaouad highlights the unique challenges that young adults face when given a cancer diagnosis. But, the challenges don't end when declared cancer-free as Suleika explains that she had no idea who she was or how to live after treatment. This book not only highlights what Suleika went through trying to navigate "life after cancer" but others around the US each with their own stories to share.
Quotes:
"There is no restitution for people like us, no return to days when our bodies were unscathed, our innocence intact. Recovery isn’t a gentle self-care spree that restores you to a pre-illness state. Though the word may suggest otherwise, recovery is not about salvaging the old at all. It’s about accepting that you must forsake a familiar self forever, in favor of one that is being newly born. It is an act of brute, terrifying discovery."
"What if I stopped thinking of pain as something that needs to be numbed, fixed, dodged, and protected against? What if I tried to honor its presence in my body, to welcome it into the present?"
"For the person facing death, mourning begins in the present tense, in a series of private, preemptive goodbyes that take place long before the body’s last breath."
Everything Happens For A Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved - Kate Bowler
⭒⭒
One-Sentence Summary: Kate Bowler, a professor of divinity at Duke, wrestles with a colon cancer diagnosis and how it fits into the idea of the "prosperity gospel," all the while preparing to say goodbye to her family and friends.
Now I don't want to be too critical as part of the fault falls on me for not reading the description well enough before purchasing this book. But with the title that it has, I was expecting at least some focus on those platitudes that people say to cancer patients that often offer little solace. I was anticipating the author to discuss finding comfort in those messages. But, this book talked, instead, a lot about the author's prior research on the prosperity gospel and never really moved passed the "Why me?" mentality. Unfortunately, the writing style didn't suit me well, but that is all very personal!
Quotes:
"I think I'm running out of time...," I say finally. "I'm not trying to be dramatic, but here's what I worry about: What if you are too?" She knows what I am saying...her selflessness has caused her to surrender too much of herself to "someday." And now someday has come, at least for me."
"It's like we're all floating on the ocean, holding onto our own inner-tube, but people don't seem to know that we are all sinking. Some are sinking faster than others, but we're all sinking."
"Why? God, are you here? What does this suffering mean?"
Death Is Nothing At All: An Illustrated Ode To Grief, Loss, Pain, Resilience, and Healing - Henry Scott Holland
⭒⭒⭒⭒
One-Sentence Summary: This short book provides illustrations done by a bereaved parent to accompany a poignant poem about grief, loss, and continuing bonds.
The drawings add a personal story to the poem about one family and the death of their daughter, without using words to describe it. I find the poem to be good, but I can recognize that it might not be suitable for all.
Quote:
"Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together."
Notes on Grief - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
⭒⭒⭒
One-Sentence Summary: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie shares the story of her father's death during the COVID-19 pandemic, the joys of having him as a mentor throughout her life, and her love for him.
This book offers some nice insight into grieving in different cultural contexts and what it might look and/or feel like for some who are in a different country when their loved one dies. Much of the book focuses on the relationship that the author shared with her father and the depth of her grief, which many tried to dismiss with phrases like, "He lived a full life." This was a quick read and a lovely tribute to her father and the bond that he shared. But, the writing felt very academic to me and was hard to stay engaged with while reading.
Quotes:
"For the rest of my life, I will live with my hands outstretched for things that are no longer there."
"Age is irrelevant in grief; at issue is not how old he was but how loved."
"I wince now at the words I said in the past to grieving friends. 'Find peace in your memories,' I used to say. To have love snatched from you, especially unexpectedly, and then to be told to turn to memories. Rather than succor, my memories bring eloquent stabs of pain that say, 'This is what you will never again have.'"
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